Everything was over text too. This personality type truly enjoys giving and often find they need nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated. So, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Nice guys will take the abuse and overtime it will distort you. But when my wife yells, slaps, hits in the middle of the night from hell that she hates me and I am the worst person in the world, I also now understand that she is also speaking from her heart at that moment to. I have experienced all kinds of abuse, including physical. With this understanding of what makes the woman with traits of BPD engage in these destructive behavior patterns, lets now turn to the question of why so many men stay even when its clear that the woman they are with is not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. Its usually a safer relationship with fewer instances of smear campaigns, but friendship generally doesnt circumvent the negative behaviors. Thank you for your article. I find all this very bizarre at someone who really wanted me. hi Ive read a lot lately about women with BPD. Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. It appears you entered an invalid email. Basically she was having a panic attack. Some people may disagree with me at first, but as someone with BPD, Im going to have to say Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars. I highly relate to him The symptoms he portraysof BPD include preoccupations and fears of abandonment and loss, separation difficulties, intense passion and sensitive emotional responses, his sensitivity to potential slights, impulsiveness, anger bursts, feelings of being lost, empty and extremely unsure about identity, paranoid ideation about who is on his side and the frequent intense shifts between what he thinks, does and how he feels towards people in his life like splitting. Girl, Interrupted is set in the 1960s and follows Susanna Kaysen (Winona Ryder), a woman diagnosed withborderline personality disorder(BPD) during her stay in a psychiatric hospital following hersuicideattempt. JT, youre exactly right. The latest psychology and neuroscience discoveries. For men, attractiveness was the most important factor in predicting dating appeal. She would have total lack of self awareness and lack of empathy. I would of been devastated if my man read this misguided article before me and left because of this advise!! But one of the more interesting aspects of BPD is the fact that because the cluster of personality traits that make women susceptible to the disorder are present in all women who develop the disorder, the behavior patterns produced by the traits are strikingly similar. Consider the following exchange between Brett and Jasmine as they lay in bed. She just cannot express emotions. Relying on others to feel well can induce them to experience powerlessness and cause feelings of anxiety and self-loathing. Without further ado, here are the movies that got BPD symptoms (mostly) right: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a science-fiction romantic comedy/drama that focuses on the relationship between introverted and anxious Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) and free-spirit Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet). You know theres something not quite right but when you leave it it kind of all unraveled. I am at the point where I feel nothing about me matters except being a father. But you also may need to get a solid understanding of the dynamics of both female emotional dysregulation and human defense mechanisms. If anyone reads this comment please understand every person is different and affected by bpd differently. Everything in life is a choice, and if a man chooses to be with a BPD partner, I dont think society (or the Nicola Method) should be discouraging it and encouraging abandonment (because thats how it reads to me and probably every other woman with BPD), making us feel like even you a purported professional would give up on us, too. Matthew Busch photographed a woman living with borderline personality disorder. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I talk about how I have been able to tolerate suffering after recovery having come to experience the grace of God and having come to learn how to give myself and those around me that same grace- generous, free, totally unexpected, and totally undeserved courteous good will and kindness. Im just now emotionally healed enough to not have any hate or disdain for her as with the help of your articles and others I have come the realization that no matter how much she can or cannot control her behaviors, I have full control over how I choose to react to them. Both have choices to make if they value the relationship and each other. For most women with symptoms of BPD, this is not a deliberate strategy, but rather an emotionally driven act. There are reasons why I stayed which I will not mention to keep this private. JT, yes, some women with traits of BPD do want to remain friends. So fed up of people like you demonising us when you havent got a clue. I take more than I give. I would lower my standards and have sex with people I didnt even like just to not be alone. Please help I want to make him leave me not because I dont love him because I do. I am hoping as I am faithful, loyal, and honest person, she made me delete and end contact with her, no matter how many times I tried to explain to her that she knows Im with you and she wishes us all the best nothing helped, until i told me former partner and very good friend to not to contact me again. I wanted to see if my assumption was correct and it lead me here. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. However, we are not talking about pathological diagnoses and the word is understood by the average person to refer to someone who is emotionally unstable. Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Katonah, NY, as well as an Assistant Clinical Professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in the Department of Psychiatry. She was afraid to rely on these qualities to keep people from leaving her. This relationship has affected me in ways that no man could ever describe. For people who have the ability to treat others kindly it can be extremely difficult to comprehend this kind of destructive behavior. I am not a therapist and am in the process of winding down my teaching schedule with individuals. Anytime I challenged her she would turn it back on me but i stuck by her until the last 2 weeks. Do you find yourself struggling to anticipate and understand your spouses feelings and the behaviors that follow? Generally inversing the main gender tendency too! You can use them during calm times: Thank you for helping with the kids. Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of turmoil and dysfunction. 1. Its like she didnt understand why I would want to be with someone that acts like that. I am a bpd woman, and I was married to a very selfish, narcissistic man for many years. She swears im a bad guy/dad/husband, and i swear im good to her and the kids. Surprisingly, relationship skills are linked to a persons ability to follow the rules. Empathic understanding of Jasmines feelings will allow him to respond to her more constructively and more supportively. She went on to tell me how wonderful I was about all of it the next day. The conversation then digressed onto her terminally ill father and I got the blame for her not visiting him in hospital for three weeks. I hate my affliction and wish I could rid myself of any residing paranoia. We all need to be intelligent about how things work in relationships and that takes a lot of studying and discrimination in what we read. Although there has not been an official diagnosis thus far I have a close relationship with someone who I suspect could have BPD. The therapist knows that if she is confronted, she will leave therapy. One chil is old enough to have her own personality and my wife has been accusing her of breaking promises, but of course, to a 4 year old this is unfathomable. And that is in no way forgivable. But the version Im referring to was my first Waif. I am glad to know that there is something much larger at play. JT, two things can happen. I found this website to be just excellent! And she wanted me for so long!! We were born in the same year and liked a lot of the same stuff (music, mainly movies, TV etc). It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. Having a pattern of unstable relationships often characterized by idealizing or devaluing a person (also known as black and white thinking or splitting). Nicola, a question for you. I know this now to be switching. Some would also argue that the word crazy is stigmatising in describing a person. Seriously, it helped me immensely to get over a three year relationship with a BPD woman. OK, since you cant take the credit for that, then you can take the credit for taking the time to put all this together for people like me. This allowed her to be more selective in her choice of sexual partners which resulted in her taking company with people who were more respectful of her and appreciative of her company. So I took what she said with a grain of salt and just waited to see if she really meant it. Jasmine: Yeah, you got what you wanted and then just rolled over and rolled away. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is an illness that can make you struggle with your emotions. Mighty community member @clarence picked up on this aspect of Wreck-It Ralphs character in the sequel, Ralph Breaks the Internet., While the discussion ofmental healthis not explicit, Ralph exhibits attachment issues to Venelope, she wrote of the movie. In the process both people grow and move forward and that is a big achievement given the constraints that are overcome. Women With Traits of BPD Why Did She Lie? Your comment wreaks of a whoa is me attitude. He loves me dearly and I love him. Because he believes in a world where everyone obeys the social rules of good behavior, he does not recognize that she is living in a world where although everyone talks about the rules, no one is actually capable of following them. Its hard. For example, those high in psychopathic and borderline personality trait were described as someone who liked to flout the rules and was quite intense and a bit wild driving fast and taking drugs. They were also described as someone with a lot of relationship dramas who was anxious and self-critical.. (They were there to a lesser level all along, but I just thought my wife was very sensitize and vulnerable). Partly, I am terrified of losing redidential custody, even though she has told my daughter she doesnt love her or want her. Sometimes some people just cant be helped and its best for your own mental health to move on. I have recently been using te Nicola method with some success. I really like him and I know that we connected. In my experience as a good guy (not nice guy as I have NO problem calling out maddening behaviour lol) BPD woman are simply increasing NO- WIN propositions. If your wife was vomiting all night from cancer chemo, yelling at you because of the terminal illness, would you feel the same and want to leave her? I feel its important to tell my partner, Im having a problem & things dont look right in my mind. Now, that doesnt mean I overcome every emotion or BPD related thought or action. Everything that she seemed to be doing she really was doing. Your personal stuffs excellent. Bibi. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. Unless a woman with traits of BPD learns how to include her intellectual processing center when processing experiences, she will continue to be able to block out reality. There are, of course, benefits to that, but if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture of the way that mental illness is represented through books and movies, there is a problem. The two exchanges above both reflect Jasmines insecurity in intimate relationships. Sincerely, from confident funny and intelligent to dumb argumentative woman. How do they discount the things they said during the idealization phase? Possibly with a little research therapy and commitment to self help and self awareness she probably would be able to overcome the worst traits of her bpd and learn how tp amd actually BECOME the woman of her partners dreams..she really was all along she just needed help self commitment and love from a person who already saw her best potential self in the beginning to never give her up or give up on her like all the other scum bags from her past that did!! We are just people who have a hard time regulating our emotions, which makes it very hard to control our behaviors. Were only a few months in, but so far, so good. Underneath it all, I know she has a big heart but she is also just severely damaged. Ps I asked her one question when we last time spoke on the phone ffour days ago. What is so great about evolutionary psychology is that it reveals adaptive aspects of personality traits that are usually viewed negatively. So no Sarah, the real issue is with mentally ill sociopaths whose primary preoccupation is satisfying THEIR needs exclusively, to hell with who they hurt in the process. Lets take a closer look at how the nice-guy/borderline connection can lock a healthy man into an unhealthy relationship. But because you have been lucky enough to have found someone who may not have these traits you might need to go through this stage while within your relationship. Its nearly 5 months since she left, and I am still in crisis and fearful for my kids futures. Before we begin, we wanted to briefly summarize the classic nine symptoms of BPD (outlined in theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) that we based our analyses on: Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. There are red flags to look for but please dont believe that we are all crazy psycho stalkers or abusive selfish destructive monsters. They tend to experience constant longing for connection. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. It falls short though in the ending where it gave an impression they were cured by love. I dont need or want a man for nothing she said a few times. Of course, if you see what problems you have, and if your partner truly understands how you work and when to leave it alone. Those suffering from symptoms of BPD have particular difficulty because the intensity of their emotional experience often overwhelms their ability to differentiate strong emotions and put them into understandable terms. She would deflect, deny, or change the subject, eventually getting mad and projecting back on me. She is unapproachable really. Thousands of new, high-quality pictures added every day. Would she just interpret my hesitancy to return these overwhelming statements as me not feeling the same because I am not going at the same pace? New Moon, the second installment in the Twilight Saga universe, has long-been viewed as the worst book/movie in the series. On her talk show (called Welcome to Me), Alice performs skits based on her past experiences the good, the bad and the embarrassing. TBH, had i been living by myself we probably would have broken up after about a month or two (instead of an on / off 18 months) as her : 1) Intense initial needs and 2) Ability to be able to call / see me easily early days would have been tempered by my wanting to take things steadily. The fact is that these types of personality traits continue to reside within the population so they must be appealing to someone, otherwise these traits would go extinct, Blanchard told PsyPost. I guess I wonder how she kept it together for 12 years before I entered the picture (though I know I am not the first man she has let into her and her sons life). Joanna, there is so much of my life that mirrors what you say. Anyway, due to my own weaknesses (messed relationships, attachment issues etc) we end up in a relationship living together she is the perfect match it would seem, really likes my messed-up family of origin, organising parties for birthdays for parents who have never done such things themselves. My wife and her 7 year old son have been going for much longer. My health has been the worst its ever been and I just try to do more and more in hopes that she would see my effort and love. With the help of Rose she helped me escape a really unhealthy marriage, and exposed light into dark places that I and my family will forever be grateful for. What I didnt say on the other comment thread is that this is the second time Ive fallen for it in my life and, unfortunately, it has defined pretty much everything negative thats happened in my life, when I thought it was going to be all positive. From Borderline to Beautiful Podcast tackles tough topics and provides information and insight into borderline personality disorder. Marriage Entitlement: Part 3-Does Your Spouses Happiness Matter More Than Yours, Marriage Entitlement: When Your Love Is Not Enough, Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD: How to Move on After Your Breakup. I want us to last, Youve always had me and always will, We are meant to be I didnt know what I had til it was gone on and on and on. It was going from one conflict to another in every conversation. Minor betrayals are by no means deal-breakers, but they can definitely ruffle our feathers and hurt our feelings. This lasted the entire ride home and for about 10 minutes after until she finally calmed her self down and exhausted herself. The ability to experience physical love with another individual is compromised when sex is used as an instrument of power. I still see her almost everyday because were in school together, but she hasnt spoken to me in seven months and goes out of her way to ignore me, reject me, walk around and away from me, etc. . Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! Am I a complete fool? You certainly get to choose how to live your life, and if you are not hurting anyone, then no one has a right to make any judgments on those choices. Why why why ! The movie explores themes of divorce, drugs, sex andmental health, characteristic of the generation at the time. Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. To which I agreed that we cant get too serious too quickly. Any man reading this wpuld of course run away from a partner with bpd if it was put like this! She seems to have absolutely no self awareness of her outlandish behaviors. In addition to her possibly dissociated state, she clearly engages in impulsive behavior in this movie. Your writing taste has been amazed me. I have experience with the general BPD personality type and certainly no longer go there! She can also switch back to being very loving and attentive. | I also read that this is a thought that many BPD have. 2. If they are far enough out on the spectrum of BPD to warrant a diagnosis, they may find themselves isolated, but it is not because they are loners. Why not keep it on a freinds with benefits basis so no one gets hurt or feels conned? My therapist worded it perfectly.relationship transitions are difficult for you. I have a lawyer and am going forward on a separation as a first step. Things such as We need to go slowwas completely contradictory to what she actually did. In devaluation phase they block out all of the memory of experiences that made them feel hope. However, the intimacy which feels so comforting to a healthy person will be terrifying for her. Mighty contributor Alea D. wrote of the movie. Couples counseling is actually very destructive for partners of women with traits of BPD because as a nice guy you are following the rules of couples counseling. It is better be a wise guy and use the knowledge and wisdom you provide to detect and avoid women who do not have the necessary skills to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship. I am a decent human being but wont be a doormat to walk on , no I wasnt always perfect but I was pretty close to be being a good partner She is a self described loaner who up until about a year ago didnt really have friends (she has one now). Even before we got back together and were just talking she would hint at wanting to see me but never actually say it even though she is the one that left. I am good at picking out the perfect makeup/clothes to bring it out. Most are completely unaware and lack the insight about it, if they did they wouldnt have the problem or you couldnt really call the borderline. Just to add she always wanted to be do things alone. The more I read, the closer I feel to moving past this. These individuals struggle with the inability to resist urges, particularly emotionally-driven urges. You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child) I believe loneliness is self generated, but how do you convince someone of that? We have been addressing natural selfishness in relationships, but now lets take a look at another form of built-in egocentric behavior. Let's take a couple of famous women as exampl. : ). Now if she cant commit to self help and to actually progressing in her life after some time tjen i see n know that u can only help someone who wants to be helped but damn!! Just like there is a profile for the borderline personality type, there is also a profile for the kind of man that they often choose to partner with. (i.e. Its just not fun being at the ebb and flow of anothers emotional discord esp. Wake up!! Personally I dont think its possible to have a ltr with a bpd unless the non will just accept a life of pain and grief and just be the doormat , Id rather be single than have a life of regrets , thats just my story and I dont know any other bpds personally so cant comment The ability to shift from social to selfish was baffling me until I have read this statement. Make Sense of the Beautiful Chaos: What a Woman with Borderline Personality Disorder Would Like Her Loved Ones to Know Anyway, if. The intensity of the intimacy felt during passion with her husband induced fears of abandonment, which prompted her to wake Brett and confront him. I guess when we got back together the emotions she was experiencing thwarted any flashbacks she might have had. I was constantly complained about being lazy, not doing anything around the house, not doing chores her way, not paying attention to her needs, not talking to her, not sharing, lying, being unfaithful. They run into terrible problems with over-trusting. I could see I was going through increasing devaluation and didnt take kindly to the disrespect. They come very strong and very quick. Now she is in a horrible depressive state, and I am getting her into a 2-month hospital treatment program. Many men report on reading the stories of others who have been through one of these relationships that they feel like they were involved with the same woman. Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection. My question is, what keeps them from reaching out when they realize they are warm towards their partner? I had stumbled across the Hot Crazy Matrix (HCM) YouTube video and was struck by its popularity and media coverage it had attracted. I am very glad to hear that this blog has been helpful for you! And I have hope for change. I find you are right, you do deserve love, and are probably unaware of your actions and how they make others feel. She has an overriding fear of relationship betrayal. Current therapist just say depressed, of course she cannot be telling everything. Her father cheated on her mother and her mother would share way too much information about it with her kids (she actually drove her kids around looking for her father while he was cheating and telling the kids what was going on). Ive never heard so much vilifying rubbish in my entire life! It sounds like patiently setting your boundaries whenever this comes is working in your case. Many women suffering from symptoms of BPD compensate for their feelings of powerlessness by imbuing sexuality with the power to ward off abandonment and isolation. A truly great, incisive post by JT (mirrors SO much of my ex- BPD waif its scary). Women in the study tended to prefer partners who were high in wealth and low in psychopathic traits, even when they were rated as low in facial attractiveness. right on. She even said she has always been happy with me but cant explain why. We started texting for approximately 3 months until we finally met for coffee and started seeing each other again for 8 months until it ended 2 weeks agoand again, it was right out of the blue. It will eventually become: A tool to barter with / something to berate you over (when her drive is no longer driven crazy by idealisation) and even something to dislike you for (as they can often suddenly experience shame / guilt for SO many different reasons it can be dizzying!). I went into a panic when they actually walked away. So anyone readin this who is unsure or in denial etc or like me believe their ex or current partner had BPD then just speak to them. Why are we together? I tried. Overview Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. I keep testing him to see if he really cares. I would ask her a question in the most calm, nonjudgmental way possible and she would still feel threatened by it as if I was attacking her or analyzing her by becoming defensive and projecting back on me. So how does Brett learn to hear the emotion that Jasmine does directly express? Brett did not hear this message. Its just a crap game all around, these days even good matches arent lasting. You should be ashamed! You could end up feeling VERY guilty if you were to know the pain they may inflict on themselves. It takes self-discipline to remember the good things that he has done, instead of focusing on the negative (completely natural), but you CAN think positively, even if its just one thing; it still offers a light to walk toward. Let me give you an example of constant nagging me about food, and things what to wear, she made me buy shoes I didnt like myself but liked different ones, but she bought them for me. Feel free to email me about any questions or concerns regarding these techniques. Its like its more about what I dont do or dont do right then what I do wrong. OR we can ignore the ills in our society and families that allow for trauma to be inflicted upon helpless children and then abandon them as adults for their loudest cries for help You decide. Wow ,like everyone else says , its like you talking about my girlfriend!! As a young woman in my 20s I found that this worked with women as well. But people with traits of BPD experience the minor betrayals in the same way we experience the major ones. I relented. I have a lot of knowledge about BPD. I know you dont know my situation in its entirety but an expert opinion would be very welcomed. Is it just to convince themselves they were right to end it to avoid feeling guilt and shame? What she lacks is moral maturity. With you you are searching for someone who can make you emotionally happy, when in reality for a man this is very hard to do in the long run. Most people assume that there must be something wrong with men who stay in relationships with women who have traits of borderline personality disorder, men who know the right move is to leave but who find themselves unable to let go. She would rarely if ever take responsibility for what she did and/or said. Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. Does your spouse often go very quickly from one emotion to another? So nevermind the core rudiments Joanna lays out so well, anything that happens in the devaluation stages is also massively heightened. Im quite concerned about the advice of this article which seems to be to abandon any women exhibiting traits of BPD. Why dont we talk about how suicide is at its highest rate for men and women with BPD. Rose has worked with me and changed my life, she opened my eyes to things I wouldnt have seen on my own. Ive seen 4 counselors in that time and continued to hope that things would get better. Hi, I'm Juliette. But If distant my self abit then she would question that abit so I just couldnt win atal. In other words the push-pull (*) pattern is already visible. Its a no win in so many ways.